


And then

by orphan_account



Category: Depeche Mode
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Character Death(s), References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 02:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21029024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alternative version of Alan Wilder departure





	And then

31st May, 1995

This day was the worst one in my life. I had to say goodbye to my dead love and my "friends" who were the reason for it. Today was the funeral of Mia, my girlfriend. And after that I wanted to talk with Depeche Mode. I needed to let them know that I found out why this tragedy had happened.

I don't know why her parents decided for a mass for her soul. I didn't believe in anything. She was an atheist too. It was a nightmare to sit in church and listen to things that seemed to be lies for me. I wouldn't see her anymore. She was gone. And not because God wanted a new angel. It all was because of me and three people who didn't know it yet. 

I tried to find Martin, Andy and Dave as soon as we left the building. When I found two of them, Martin told me, that the last one didn't arrive. He was in Los Angeles unable even for leaving his house. The drugs took control over him. I asked Martin and Fletch to stay for a bit longer after the ceremony. What was good for my plans, they agreed. I had something to say what no one else should know about.

As the rest of guest left, I tried to make a call to Dave, but he didn't answer. I told them to repeat this to him on their next meeting. And then I started to talk what has happened in that tragic day...

Two weeks earlier 

On this day I woke up late. I realised intermediately that I was alone in my house. It was surprising, because Mia hadn't told me that she was going outside this morning. I dressed up and went in the kitchen direction.

As I found this letter on the table I found out what had happened. I called the police, but in half an hour I had learnt that it was too late. She took my car and drove into Atlantic direction. And then she most probably had committed suicide by throwing herself into the ocean.

While I was in taxi that was supposed to take me to the place where her lifeless body was found, I read again with tears in my eyes her last letter. It was just like her in last year. Chaotic and miserable. Every next word of the letter was making me feel more hopeless and hateful for myself and the life. Why I didn't realise what have I done?

Dear Ally,

I'm sorry, but I can't live like that. I know that you will never forgive me. I never loved you until I had a call from your one bandmate, F. He claimed that D. was getting divorced just to be with you. I realised then that I wasn't with you for your money and fulfilling my desires. This information broke my heart.  
But there's something more about me what makes me feel that I am not worth having a life. My sins are unforgivable. I couldn't stand anymore hiding the truth. Since the tour, I was a junkie. I wanted to tell you about my addiction, but F. said that if you knew you'd leave me alone.  
And one thing more. I cheated on you then. But it wasn't my fault. It was because of M. He made me drunk. I lost control then for myself. In next month I realised that I was pregnant and it wasn't your child. I killed it. And started to steal drugs from D. After tour I found a dealer and once a month I was meeting him and buying heroine. I tried to hide it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have go on tour.  
Now I have to do the right thing. I'll go into the place, where we had our first date. I'll leave the car there. And I'll jump into the ocean. I've always loved how it looks like. I've told you that earlier. If you are lucky, you will see me today. If not, then I don't know when my body is going to be found. 

Goodbye, Charlie...

The girl that didn't deserve your love,  
Mia

The last light of hope was gone, when I arrived. It was her. Her dark blonde hair, pale skin, her favourite clothes. It could be only her. I cried her name in biggest pain. My love, my sweetest Mia, was gone forever.

Why she? I was the worst boyfriend that anyone could have. I loved her so much but she didn't see it. The rumours here false. I shouldn't have kissed Dave on backstage. I was on strong drugs then. If we haven't done this, he wouldn't been thinking that we're the thing. 

I'll always regret this. And the tour. And joining the band. And my life. I had to promise myself that I wouldn't let anyone more to go through the hell like that. 

... 

\- What does it mean, Wilder? - I heard a question from disorientated Martin

\- Don't pretend that you don't understand. I quit the band. And nothing is going to change it. Tommorow everyone will know about my departure. I wrote to newspaper about this. Fortunately for you, I didn't say the real reason. You know that she didn't deserve this. She suffered too much only because of you. It is your fault that she's dead. If you want to still make the music, do it without me - I shouted. 

It was too much for me. But I had to do it and leave Depeche Mode. It now belonged to my past, like Mia.

With tears in my eyes I drove in my home direction.

The end


End file.
